A HOLE
a personal ZINE ON EMPTINESS
HOLE
At Thirteen,
I realized there was a hole in my body.
It opened up from the absence of my parents.
The hole was tiny.
It did not bother me since the love
from my boarding school friends,
and the passion from my teachers continually filled up that gap.
At fifteen,
the hole got bigger when my family told me
I needed to watch my weight and height.
Mom said, “You should jump more, like how your sister does."
Five feet, two inches is not tall.
110 pounds is not light.
In that year, I learned the standards of Asian beauty.
In that year, I measured my wrist size for the first time.
At Thirteen,
I realized there was a hole in my body.
It opened up from the absence of my parents.
The hole was tiny.
It did not bother me since the love
from my boarding school friends,
and the passion from my teachers continually filled up that gap.
At fifteen,
the hole got bigger when my family told me
I needed to watch my weight and height.
Mom said, “You should jump more, like how your sister does."
Five feet, two inches is not tall.
110 pounds is not light.
In that year, I learned the standards of Asian beauty.
In that year, I measured my wrist size for the first time.
At sixteen,
the hole got deeper when I moved to Redmond,Washington
from Guangzhou, China.
I did not fit in.
I did not believe in Jesus.
I became a minority.
I did not watch Veggie Tales growing up.
I did not speak English with an American accent.
I was an outsider.
so, I began purging.
then, I felt ashamed of myself.
No, I hated myself.
At eighteen,
this boy in Mexico took away my first kiss.
I thought it was the way they greet one another.
I stupidly fell for him.
The hole got bigger.
At Nineteen,
I lost my virginity to a guy
who I thought I loved.
He did not love me enough to stay with me.
He wanted the intimacy,
but not me as myself.
The hole
started to hurt a bit.
At twenty,
He is back again,
With his sweet words.
and his fake promises.
I left him
for New York,
Enjoying the best time of my life
with my homies, and
I Joined a sorority and I learned
how to be cruel and careless.
the Truth is,
I can never be cruel or careless.
I failed.
I fell for anyone
I encountered.
The hole got bigger and bigger.
I could not ignore its existence anymore.
At twenty-one,
A boy told me he likes me.
I ran away.
I lost interest.
He might be right,
I have daddy issues.
A boy told me he likes me.
I ran away.
I lost interest.
He might be right,
I have daddy issues.
I am turning twenty-two.
I still have body image issues.
I still care when boys leave me on Read.
I still get lonely at night craving for affection.
The hole still needed to be filled.
I still have body image issues.
I still care when boys leave me on Read.
I still get lonely at night craving for affection.
The hole still needed to be filled.
I am turning twenty-two,
accepting the fact the hole will always be there.
I don't need to “be chill”, or be numb.
I like who I am.
and I am learning to love myself,
My friends,
And my family.
A poem by shi